Day 29: Some Thoughts
I spend most days distracting myself. I occupy my thoughts with my studies, with inch-deep conversations with acquaintances. Would-be friends. Or won't-be.
Because when I let the thoughts settle, when I allow even a little space between them I feel the panic seep through. Or the sadness. Some cocktail of both more often than not.
I don't take my headphones out, so the voices of my podcast friends can keep the sadder spirits at bay, help me feel less alone. And people around me are starting to notice. They joke about it, wave me down and ask what I'm listening to. I politely respond, act totally congenial and socially adjusted. I don't want them to worry. I don't want pity.
I just want to keep from thinking too much, from feeling too deeply. Left to their own devices the thoughts and feelings tend to swell, take up too much space, squish me into a little corner of my own mind.
I can't let them get away from me. I need to keep a handle on things. I have so much work to do.
I'm not dangerous, just sad. I'm not frustrated or angry. Just grieving.
I miss my grandma. She would be so proud of me. But she never found out I decided to go to Princeton. I told the family that weekend in the hospital, after she'd already gone non-responsive. She would be so proud.
I miss my friends. There's no one to talk to here. And I left so many behind. The best people I've ever known. Why did I leave them behind? Why am I here?
I feel God most days. More than before. It keeps me from sinking into myself, from losing the spark, but some days it all weighs so heavy on my shoulders.
I need to make friends. God is a good one but I don't think God should be my only one.
I can make friends too. I'm a decent guy. I can make people laugh. But it just feels as though reaching out, making friends will take more spark than I have. Right now all I can manage to do is just keep on.
Keep on keeping on.
I'll be ok though. I've been through worse
I just need hope. And friends.
Please God, please.