Advent Day 14: Happy Birthday to Me

This year I'm blogging through Advent season. The goal is to put up a shorter post every day in December on topics related to the holiday, and I'd like to toy with some different media (music, poetry, art). I may not stay faithful to the format, we'll see, but I'd thank you to come along on the journey with me anyway. I hope this can enhance your Christmas experience as I'm sure it will mine.

HEY! So full disclosure here, I'm writing this from behind prison walls. That's right, I got called into work tonight, the night of my BIRTHDAY. OF MY FREAKING BIRTHDAY. In the middle of my birthday party no less. I wasn't supposed to work but I guess there was some sort of scheduling snafu. It was probably my fault anyway.

The cool thing about this shift, though, is it allows me some down time for quiet reflection (netflix). And I know I missed my post today (it's my birthday, sue me! [please don't sue me]), so I thought I'd tippity-type out a little reflection on this whole birthday racket. 

First off, I had an absolutely lovely day. We (royal we) started things off with a Christmas thrift store crawl (what what, what, what). It was a youth group event but only one kid showed up so the three of us (him, me and my boss Rachel) just went where we personally wanted to go. I picked Jimmie John's. It was a mitzvah.

Then my mommy bought me a new phone! It's pretty boss if I do say so myself.

And then. AND THEN! Then I had a birthday party! For those who don't know, I adore my birthday. Not sure why, I just love it. It might be the attention. It's probably the attention. But I prefer to think it's because I get to round up my best and most favorite people once a year just to play games and eat food and spend time together. For a relator like me it's home base.

They were great too. Friends and family alike showed up to wish me congratulations on the big 2-2 (alright, the medium 2-2, not much big about it) and I was so extremely grateful for everyone in attendance.

Trick is, though, events like this have another side to them, a melancholy one, because for every beloved friend who showed up, one did not. One would not. One has wandered away in the last year or longer, decided I'm not worth the time, decided to stop returning my calls. People who I would die for without hesitation but don't consider me worth even a response. 

I don't know how healthy it is but part of me grieves for these friendships. It feels like I've lost pieces of me, and I have no control over it. No way to fix it (the relationships or the pain). I just can't... make myself ok when these people I love so dearly want little or nothing to do with me. I can't say goodbye without closure.

I know I should be grateful for the people who are faithful to me. And I am. I try so hard to be, because I know I don't deserve them. They're incredible to me. They make the whole thing worth it. But loss is loss. I feel those losses. I miss my friends. And I wish I could figure out why they keep giving up on me.

Another year and another chance to look back on how things have changed my last birthday. And in a lot of ways they've gotten better. But I can't pretend I'm not hurting for the loss of friends.

So happy birthday to me. 22. Here's to hoping I can hold onto the people I love this year.


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