This year I'm blogging through Advent season. The goal is to put up a shorter post every day in December on topics related to the holiday, and I'd like to toy with some different media (music, poetry, art). I may not stay faithful to the format, we'll see, but I'd thank you to come along on the journey with me anyway. I hope this can enhance your Christmas experience as I'm sure it will mine.
They were great too. Friends and family alike showed up to wish me congratulations on the big 2-2 (alright, the medium 2-2, not much big about it) and I was so extremely grateful for everyone in attendance.
Trick is, though, events like this have another side to them, a melancholy one, because for every beloved friend who showed up, one did not. One would not. One has wandered away in the last year or longer, decided I'm not worth the time, decided to stop returning my calls. People who I would die for without hesitation but don't consider me worth even a response.
I don't know how healthy it is but part of me grieves for these friendships. It feels like I've lost pieces of me, and I have no control over it. No way to fix it (the relationships or the pain). I just can't... make myself ok when these people I love so dearly want little or nothing to do with me. I can't say goodbye without closure.
I know I should be grateful for the people who are faithful to me. And I am. I try so hard to be, because I know I don't deserve them. They're incredible to me. They make the whole thing worth it. But loss is loss. I feel those losses. I miss my friends. And I wish I could figure out why they keep giving up on me.
Another year and another chance to look back on how things have changed my last birthday. And in a lot of ways they've gotten better. But I can't pretend I'm not hurting for the loss of friends.
So happy birthday to me. 22. Here's to hoping I can hold onto the people I love this year.